This Trader Won't Fool Anyone

The 14th Street block between Fifth and Sixth Avenues has a strange newcomer. A white and red sign above what used to be a filthy Gristede's supermarket (known also as "Gross Stede's" or simply, "Dirty Gristede's") heralds the impending opening of Trader John's, like its predecessor, also a supermarket. This wouldn't be all that noteworthy except that Trader John's is just two blocks from Trader Joe's, the grocery store that I love to shop in except I never can because it's too crowded and the end of the line is visible from the outside of the establishment. I'm sure this Trader John's is trying to cash in on Joe's famous name and maybe even trick the unsuspecting or confused into thinking it's an offshoot of the "real" Trader, or perhaps the real thing itself for the directionally-challenged. Whoever owns this impostor has got quite a big set of cohones. They can open up Blue Mango, Urban Infitters, or Guitar Square, too, and it would make no difference. Judging from the looks of John's, they have a long way to go before it's even usable. The interior of John's is a mess much like when Gristede's was actually open, and needs months of work which makes it even more mindboggling that the store's moniker is already displayed. In the interim I wouldn't be surprised if they'll be forced to change their name after Trader Joe's serves them some legal documents. Traderish John's has a nice ring to it, or maybe Rader John's, or better yet, "Closed." It will be interesting to see what happens in the coming months.

Crappy Programming Stays On In 2009

When I heard that Viacom was playing chicken with Time Warner Cable (TWC) regarding yanking its programming off the cable giant over fees, I was estatic. Unlike the SNY/TWC dispute of a few years ago, I could care less about any of Viacom's channels. Granted I am not in the demographic of MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon or Noggin, but most of Viacom's programming is garbage in my opinion. Granted I watch my share of crap too: I love "Nip/Tuck," much of the Adult Swim programming, any show on obese people on either Discovery Health or TLC, and also "South Park," which airs on Viacom's Comedy Central. However I cringe when I am exposed to such putrid shows as "My Super Sweet Sixteen," "Flavor of Love," "The Hills," any "Real World," "Celebrity Rehab" or "Rock of Love," among several hundred others. Brett Michaels apparently will now be riding around on a bus with his classy lady friends--gotta make sure to watch that. These programs have relaunched the "careers" of such marginally-talented and sad people as Brooke Hogan, Tawny Kitaen, Flavor Flav and Paris Hilton, and exploited such pathetic figures as Jeff Conaway, Brigette Nielsen and Gary Busey. I went to bed for the first time in 2009 looking forward to a Viacom-free television experience when I awakened, only to find out that 13 minutes before midnight that Viacom and TWC came to an agreement to keep the sludge on while they hammered out a deal. This was after Viacom had launched a campaign demonizing TWC by using a crying Dora the Explorer to show parents that they might actually have to pay attention to their kids instead of plopping them in front of a television set to watch SpongeBob, Blue and Franklin. Note to parents: there are DVDs, Hulu.com, and lots of other ways to watch the shows your kids are so fond of. Honestly if I could choose my own channels only Comedy Central would remain, but alas it is not an option. If I were a parent, Viacom would be the sole reason I'd actually use the parental control on my remote. My kids would never be allowed to watch MTV or VH1. Can anyone even name the other 17 Viacom channels without cheating? Nope, didn't think so. Even though this brief battle is over, TWC you have my support. Clear out these 19 stations and put test patterns on instead. It'd be an improvement.

Invasion Of The Baby Hands

A friend had asked me for a list of items that I might want for Christmas so of course I obliged. A short list included such important items as a stuffed kidney toy, the Ice Orb, and of course something most everyone would want, Baby Hand Soaps. If you haven't seen these soaps, they're basically just what they sound like they'd be. They are soaps in the shape of baby hands. I've seen them described as "creepy," but I think they're adorable. I was thrilled to find out that I received them as my gift. The hands are pretty small, ranging in a half-inch to two inches and in varying skin tones. They come 10 to a bag and are fairly detailed, being created from different doll molds. I guess I'll save them until I have company and then see what happens when they go to wash their hands. If you have a difficult-to-buy-for friend or loved one, this might just be your ticket next Christmas. Maybe by next year the soap makers might even come up with baby feet or baby head soaps.

Have A Very Poopy Christmas (or Stuff I Got After the Holidays)

Ok, ok. So I've been extremely negligent about this blog. Sorry about that. I guess I've been too annoyed or tired to post anything. I promise to be better about it in 2009 although I make it a point to never made resolutions like most everyone else. I had a very nice Christmas and it was good to see the family like usual. Like most people after the holiday, I hit the sale bins at some stores with varying degrees of success. I bought alot of soap again, this time hitting Lush which was having a buy one get two or one free, depending on what you purchased. Either way it was a good deal since Lush is notorious for being pricey. I also visited Williams-Sonoma and got some seasonal cleaning products and candles (who doesn't want their kitchen to smell like a fir tree while burning a peppermint candle), and Bath & Body Works, where I grabbed some Twisted Peppermint shower gel and some of their Sleep line products (best they've had in years). My most interesting purchases were at Urban Outfitters (UO), home of useless but cool and kitschy items no one really needs but wants. I previously had written about Pee and Poo, the Swedish-created stuffed toys/potty training helpers I had seen at a store not too long ago. I couldn't really justify buying two large dolls that are basically cartoon versions of urine and feces. However on the most recent visit to UO, I was delighted to find that all of the stores Christmas ornaments were marked down to $5.00. There was just one Pee left and a couple of Poos so I grabbed Pee and chose the best looking Poo. I finally had a Pee and Poo of my own! The trifecta of bodily function ornaments was completed when I saw a Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo ornament (South Park'singing turd Mr. Hankey), again the very last of its kind. I realized how lucky I was to get the last of two of my items. I haven't had a Christmas tree the past few years but I think next year I'll have to get one to show off my new ornaments. I think if I could find a toilet paper ornament I'd really be set.

This Jet Makes Me Blue

Recently I decided to head up to Rochester, N.Y., for a quick getaway on jetBlue to visit a friend and get some fresh air. It was supposed to be a fast jaunt up to Rochester on a 9:27pm flight from good old JFK, returning on Sunday on the 7:00pm flight. Easy enough or so it seemed. I've been flying jetBlue for years, mostly taking the JFK to Rochester route. I can't remember the last time a flight flying this route took off at its correct time either coming or going. Unfortunately this last adventure may be my final for awhile on jetBlue. I've always been a huge fan of the airline as I thought they were different. They're less expensive and they provide a relatively pleasant flying experience with their TVs situated at each seat, free soda and snack, etc. However all this matters very little to me. And here's why: I arrive at JFK about an hour before I'm scheduled to board. I did not print out my confirmation so I was unable to use the kiosk (my fault). This results in my having to wait on line which I do every time anyway. I prefer to get my boarding pass from a human being. I'm old fashioned that way. Well, this line was LONG. As in there were approximately 100 people in front of me. No big deal, I tell myself, the line goes pretty quickly. But then I realize that there's just two counters open for business. I look up at the departure board and notice that my flight is still marked "on time." Well, that's good news at least. I wind up being on line for about 50 minutes and then I'm about six or seven people away from being taken care of and finally another jetBlue employee is opening up. Yay! But wait, she's taking forever to get herself set up. I wasn't doing much of anything since I was just standin there waiting so I time her--it's about 10 minutes before she helps someone. She clearly wasn't interested in doing much work because she kept looking at the line with such disdain. Wouldn't you know that the first guy she helps she actually chatting with for 15 minutes. If I had wound up at her counter, I would have made a note of her nametag for a nice letter to the company. I swear that I think they were making a date. I'm fuming at this point, it's getting later and oh, it's my turn. Of course I'm done within two minutes as the jetBlue employee admonishes me for "cutting it close." "You'd better go straight to your gate if you want to make the flight," he tells me. I head to security right away but along the way I notice the dreaded "delayed" next to my flight. Uh oh. Now I'm stressed out. The jetBlue guy has me all in a tizzy because I'm going to be late to get on my delayed flight? I'm confused. Naturally, the line for security was pretty long too. Finally I'm almost up to the TSA agent who'll check out my dreadful license photo which I'm always apologizing for (I haven't gotten a new photo in years as I'll do anything not to have to visit the Department of Motor Vehicles). He waves to the guy in front of me to "wait a moment," and then proceeds to take care of five apparently "more important" people coming through on the right side. Realizing I'm pretty much nobody, I calmly wait for Mr. TSA to finish up and get back to us little people. Then after he is done with the "important" travelers, his phone goes off. Like a robot, he slowly takes out his phone, talks for a moment and hangs up. Still in no apparent hurry, he finally comes back to us and we get through. I want to kill myself already and the night has yet to begin. After getting through security, I notice that there's another flight at our gate and people begin asking about the flight to Rochester that is supposed to be boarding at this very moment. JetBlue's crack gatekeepers don't know anything, or they know what's going on and won't tell the passengers. Fortunately I had my laptop with me and I found out that the flight was delayed until 10:10pm. It was eventually updated on the departures/arrivals board but after I found out myself on the computer. The rest of the story is more of the same. We wound up leaving JFK at approximately 11:45pm. JetBlue never gave any kind of an update nor would they volunteer why we left so late. I heard someone say that it was because our flight crew was stuck on a late-arriving plane coming up from Florida. I got into Rochester around 1:20am. I'd like to say that this was the only part of my roundtrip jetBlue experience that sucked but it wasn't. My flight back to New York was cancelled because of "weather." I got an email on my phone from jetBlue at 5pm for a 7:00pm flight. I took a look at the local news and according to the reports, there were no delays at Greater Rochester International Airport. I love jetBlue's email about the cancellation: "Due to Weather, your flight #33 on July 20, 2008 for travel from Rochester, NY (ROC) has been cancelled. We apologize for the disruption in your travel plans." Really? Yes, you've disrupted my travel plans, you imbeciles. I scrambled to get another flight as I had to work in the morning, winding up on a US Airways flight for $100 more. I realize that flying really is horrendous and a crapshoot these days and probably this is not a horrible story compared to many others. But I am tremendously disappointed that a once excellent airline has become just another company that sucks. I suppiose once again this makes the point of "you get what you pay for." Next time I'll look into Delta and US Airways for flights to Rochester. The irony of it all is when I finally arrive home I find an email from jetBlue inviting me to join their "JetViews" panel, where one can give his or her opinion and fill out surveys so that they can improve their service. Probably not the best timing for them to send that notice to me but I joined. I guess the rest of jetBlue's energy and resources went into the creation of their website touting their new, and in my opinion, untrue advertising slogan. "Happy Jetting" indeed.

Spellcheck Please: Grenn Spilt Soup

A couple of weeks ago I visited the local deli near my workplace to pick up lunch. The shop always has a few different types of soup which are in large black pots in front of the salad bar. Each soup pot has a computer-created title paper taped onto it to let the customer know what deliciousness is on tap that day. On a recent visit, the available soups included "Grenn Spilt," which I can only imagine is in actuality Split Pea (it was sort of green). I was mad that I didn't bring my phone with me so I was unable to take a photo of the mystery soup label at that time. I thought I lost my chance until late last week when the screwy label appeared again. And again today. I am somewhat perplexed by this extremely poor choice of words. I can accept "Green Spilt" or "Spilt Pea," or even "Green Pee," but how did they come up with "Grenn Spilt"? I actually Googled "Grenn Spilt" to make sure it wasn't a foreign soup I hadn't come across until now (it wasn't). Apparently the computer wiz in charge of creating these labels doesn't use Microsoft Word, as the deli is also known for preparing the classic soups, "Chicken Nodle," "Vege" and "Manhatan Clam Chowder" (ok, that one's not so bad unless you consider that it's the name of the borough the business is located in). So next time you're in the mood for a cup of mystery soup, go to Canal Street and West Broadway. You won't be disappointed.

Ooo, That Smell

Does anyone know why it smelled like sour diarrhea all along Houston and Broadway this morning? On my way to work this morning I stood nearby the adidas store waiting for the light to change when an awful stench hit me like a tons of stinky bricks. We New Yorkers are used to putrid smelling garbage, people, etc., but let me tell you: it absolutely reeked. I braved the still green light and crossed over to the island in the middle of Houston attempting to escape the smell which I believed was emanating from the sewer. But I soon realized the stink was covering hanging over the entire area. I'm assuming it originated from all the construction going on in that area but I guess it could have been anything. Being a glutton for punishment, I was curious if it still stunk after 5pm that day so I walked the exact route home. To my surprise (and relief) it no longer smelled like 50 public toilets. Still, I wonder what the hell that was.